This Push Against Me

Riding my bike the other day the wind was against me the whole way one morning. It was relentlessly pushing against me, even rising in intensity just as I felt I had it measured. It made something I can do with a regular amount of effort into something that was a struggle.

I have heard that depression can be like a voice saying you can't do something or you aren't capable. That an otherwise normal day can be a struggle against this voice. And that it can be relentless.

For me on the bike, the wind was an external force, something against which I could muster my will and desires against. To imagine this push against me coming from somewhere inside is chilling.

That evening, I rode home with the wind at my back. I could push the pedals and feel the bike move ahead easily. The same force was now an advantage.