A Struggling Soul

A pastor still under the sway, and struggling against, the critical, discouraging words of his father. Sometimes he is able to overcome them and preach about an enduring promise of salvation that cannot be expunged by any act of a man. At other times he falls prey to the words he heard as a youth and can only repeat those that identify us as sinful and undeserving right from birth.

At times, the struggle is engaged with determination and the words are spoken in a low voice, not in rebellion but in defiance. I will not succumb is the subconscious message; I will make a place for these hopeful words. By speaking them, I proclaim an alternative to the doctrine of shame and sin.

But at others, particularly when the topic is of a supposed undeserved worth, the words flow unabashedly and unmodified. It is as if he has given in to this notion of unworth, and is unable to ascertain the larger effect they have. That their repetition gives a credence to the sorry thought they do not merit and creates a cachet within the minds of those who hear them.

In certain situations the speaking of such stark and demeaning words does not upset or confuse, since they are taken as a paraphrase of scriptural text. But there are others in which words like this are used to justify demeaning statements meant not to humble a person but to humiliate. And those who succumb to the gist of them is not confined to those who might be oppressed; it may be that one who finds themselves in a position to speak words of grace may instead recall the sentiment and accompanying pain and unwittingly repeat them.

From where do these words originate? A remembered past kept in a mind and accessed perhaps during a time of stress or other strong emotional state. Because they come from within they are not necessarily subject to the same restraint or skepticism as are words heard from friends or other casual acquaintances. As a result, words of great emotion and import can emerge and feel like just the right thing to say, even though by a more objective perspective, they are not.

And when such organic words and their accompanying thoughts are unexpunged, they can occupy a place both appropriate and dissonant in our minds. It is a challenge, unfortunately not solely a private one, to avoid falling prey to the echoes of words spoken by a parent or other spiritual leader. Our resolve must then be to heed and to feed - as in a depiction of a soul as two wolves, one good and one evil - only the virtuous one.